Does this mean that if I am fearful or anxious I’m identifying with the event with my ego? I think so.

I’ve always said that I have “Beginners Luck”. The number of times that I’ve done something for the first time and done it initially with ease is staggering. I remember when I started skydiving at 17 years of age. I went to the drop zone the first weekend and did my training and the following weekend I went to do my first jumps. That weekend I did four static line jumps, each and every one was copy book perfect. Everyone praised me, paying complements as to my natural abilities. Then the following week end I returned to continue and failed monumentally, moving onto free fall and tumbling out of control eventually returning to static line descendants and doing 13 instead of the usual five until I eventually moved onto free-fall again. It was even recommended that I should give it away. Ultimately I amassed 2000 skydives and became an instructor at 19. By then I was humbled by by initiation into the sport.

For a short time when I was about 30 I had a sales job using a style of sales similar to encyclopaedia selling where I had to present to people in their homes from a script and eventually close the deal. After the initial training I went out on my first day to present, not expecting any results as I was such a raw recruit and managed to sell four out of five presentations blowing everyones expectations, including mine, out of the water. The following six weeks were harrowing as I slowly started to stress and didn’t sell one programme until eventually I decided to give it away and on my last presentation I sold two unexpectedly to the client and her friend who just happened to be sitting in. I’m sure I sold on the last day because I no longer had an attachment to the outcome, the stress of achieving was removed and my ego was now out of the picture.

This has happened in all the fields that I have ventured into where the first time I do something, I do well as I have no expectations, my ego is subdued as I’m only starting and I don’t expect any results. Because I’m completely with the experience and not at all in my ego I allow anything to happen and it resolves in ways far better than I would have expected. It’s even happened with the first time I played lotto and won $35 because there is no chance to win on my first attempt and I’ve never won anything since.

The problem is that once I have the initial success, I then buy into others and my own expectations based on the past experience and extrapolate it out into the future, then naturally expect the evolvement of the good fortune into something grand. Then when it doesn’t materialise I become demoralised, think of it as a failure and it all falls apart. If I do keep at it in the long term and persevere through the negative period as I did with skydiving and my trade skill I notice that I eventually return to the level of success that I originally had but now I’ve been humbled by the experience of doing so poorly during the intervening period. I then don’t think of what I do as being anything special but think of it as something that anyone can do, as is really the case. If I can do something anyone can and often times anyone has, so why should I think that I’m anything special. This is what I find so interesting.

I seem to be blessed with some innate natural talents which enable me to do well initially but if I allow my ego to rise up even at the most basic level I come unstuck then my ego feels blighted by the failure and stress develops and a downward cycle begins. What if I don’t allow my ego into the picture? What if I simply say “this person which is me is doing this thing and it will be as it will be”? If the goal of the day is achieved or not is irrelevant. It’s only important to do the task as seems appropriate with no judgement of whether it is good or bad, which is a judgement in itself. Just let it be and not to identify with the event in anyway as being something personal.

That’s the take home, “not to identify with the event in anyway as being something personal” which has to exclude any form of ego.

Last year I sat down with some serious consideration to goal setting and planning out my year ahead.What I hoped to have for my podcast, income, home and social life. Then as the year wore on I realised that despite my good intentions many other things were being thrown up in my path creating situations that prevented or changed the direction of things that I had set out to achieve. Some improvements some challengers but things that changed where I thought I was travelling, thereby creating a feeling in me that I didn’t have control on my life and frustration that I wasn’t able to make the goals realised as I was told would be achieved if I followed the rules of goal setting. Basically what I’m saying is that the classic western goal setting model doesn’t seem to work for this little black duck.

So as I mentioned in the last post, as I started on this exercise in May to just opt out of what is expected and make my decisions based on what is appropriate in each moment and the relative ease at which my life now seems to be evolving I’ve decided on some new goals for this new year.

• Goal 1 – I intend to be fully engaged with every activity and make any decisions that need to be taken in that moment.
• Goal 2 – Any time I fall into emotional considerations of the future or reminiscences of the past I’ll concentrate on Goal 1.

If you haven’t realised goal 2 is actually a variation on goal 1. It’s just that I’m still not brilliant at this and I sometimes have to remind myself to go to Goal 1.

Oh! and just in case you think this is not, or is a real goal, I don’t mind what happens anyway.

I’m just here Now.

Life is a Game
A Game to be Played
You can never Lose
You can only Win
So long as You Play. ’91

Back when I came up with the idea and started Your Story I commented on how the years were all the same and the disappointment that there wasn’t any real change from year to year, of my desire to shake that up. Now it’s now been nearly 3 years.

I didn’t really have any idea what I was doing when I started on this path those few years ago but I knew that I needed to start and see where it would go. The first 15 years of my adult life were wonderful years with a great marriage, adventure and achievements but after that it was particularly tough. Now I can say that of the last 15 years since my marriage went south these last 3 years have been the best, most rewarding and enlightening years.

When my daughter was little I used to say that I was running a one off, 18 year experiment in parenting and I’d get back with the results on whether I achieved anything when she is 18. Now that she is I think that experiment has been very successful but that is another story. Just the same as parenting, this last year I’ve been running another experiment in not planning, not goal setting but

Ian in Buenos AIres

simply going where the moment takes me. It started way back in May when I decided, just for one week to have a Societyfast. What could go wrong for one week of not buying into all the stuff of society?

As it turns out after that week I decided not to reconnect with the system and that’s the way it’s been all year since then. Now I’ve always done things somewhat my own way but this was really ramping it up. I have for the majority of the year slept, worked, danced and travelled as it’s seemed right in the moment. I’ve done my best not to project into the future and reminisce on the past. I have at times been far from perfect from achieving this and I have sometimes bought into fear and sentimentality but generally I’ve been able to reconnect after a time and just enjoy the moment. And what wonderful moments I’ve had.

In the last year I’ve only worked about 10 weeks which has caused me to live very lean but my life is wonderful and rich with friends old and new. I have a wonderful social life thanks to my dancing and all that Tango has given me. I’ve travelled yet again, this time to Buenos Aires. I’ve worked for a time with an artist and on Narnia – The Voyage of the Dawn Treader where I made some wonderful things. The podcast is evolving and I’ve managed to meet and get a whole new level of guests to come onto the show. My skills have continued to improve both with audio and video while some people, though only a few, seem to like what I’m producing and keep coming back.

But most importantly I’ve discovered that if I take the time, to take no time, to just be in the moment and make decisions on what needs to be done now and follow that quiet feeling inside me that says that I should do … right now it all seems to work out. Leave my petty ego out of it and be content with whatever happens whether it’s others or my doing doesn’t matter. Instead of worrying I’m starting to have an attitude that something will happen, it’s just that I don’t know what it is. This is creating a new state of wonder, where I don’t know what is going to happen but like watching a film I’m curious and wonder what will evolve. Amazingly it’s working out different and much better than I could imagine.

Yes, what will come of the New Year. I wonder because I have no idea.

Lets find out…

Well this video is a re-cut of the Swidwin trip and is that very indulgence. I make no apologies for it and it’s here for all to see but is intended primarily for the four of us.

We had a wonderful day out not exactly having any idea what we would find, intending to stay the night and eventually deciding to travel back to Berlin. This is a recap of a fun day for the four of us.

Thanks ladies for being my companions on this trip. You make it a gazillion times more fun having you there.

• Thank you Eve for driving and the use of your car.
• Thank you Romy for the navigation and photography.
• Thank you Claudie for being my pillow and well… being the lovely Claudie

There are more videos of my time in Europia to come. That’s the great thing about having a blog.

Relationships, we want them but how do we do them?

In a previous post about how relationships collapse I suggest that we move onto new relationships in a way that is serial monogamy. I suggest that it’s necessary to realise that all relationships end and it’s the disappointment of that, based on the expectations that they last for ever, that causes the suffering.

My suggestion is to come to terms with the fact that it ends, enjoy it while it lasts, grieve when it ends, heal and then move on.

Another aspect is that within the Western view of marriage we expect our partner to be all things in every way for us. It’s natural, especially as when we connect and in the serotonin haze that is created in the first flush of meeting someone, we think they are perfect, the one, our soulmate. Then they change don’t they?

Maybe we change the way we view them!Either-way we find that they aren’t everything to us in all situations. So we become dissatisfied try to change them or compromise ourselves but we’re not satisfied.

Who said that the person you marry has to be your everything, especially in the intimate personal aspects of a relationship?

Oh sorry!

The system said that!

Well guess what the system is wrong. We all get things that are important to us from other people and places, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. We have friends that give us things that we don’t get from our partners and within a marriage it’s accepted that we can have these relationships to fulfill us and round us out as humans. Pragmatically we allow our partner to do things that we may not quite approve of because it’s seen as good for the relationship and based on power and survival needs of the family. As the dependence on the other changes through the constant change of the relationship then the barely tolerated behavior becomes a relationship threatening behavior and the slow slide to separation commences.

The conflict is not so much in the behavior itself but in the non acceptance of your partner needing to be this way as their form of human existence. To relate to someone you must accept them as they are. If you have an issue it is fine for you to communicate it to them, even to ask for them to change but it is 100% up to them to change and to do it happily with no compromise to themselves. If they can’t or won’t change you must accept it as it is, happily with no compromise to yourself. If this can’t be done there will be conflict. Either way it’s about acceptance either a new or the old dynamic. So now everyone is happy with each others behavior and all can live in bliss.

But what if I can’t resolve a behaviour by my partner?Simple, dissatisfaction unhappiness arguments all the usual stuff until it moves to separation or stagnation either way not much joy and fun. So get with it, acceptance is the only way to get it.

This isn’t my stuff you’ll find it scattered around many of the spiritual teachings especially Buddhism and within human relationship counselling.

What if I can’t personally give what they need from me? Accept it! If not then that means either conflict and ultimately separation or let them find it elsewhere and accept that new situation. Either way we’re back to acceptance.

In all relationships we get things from outside of the relationship so lets celebrate that and let our partners go forth and have those other fulfilling relationships in the knowledge that this is what is vital to them and that if we can be content with that there is contentment with both parties.

Back in May I was listening to Cameron Reillys’ G’Day World podcast which introduced to me the concept of Polyamore through the conversation he had with a couple travelling through the US.

As I heard about this term of Polyamore I realised that it seemed to be another expression of the serial monogamy but with the twist that there isn’t a requirement for the relationship to breakdown and that it can continue and any requirements that are need to be added to the relationship can be found outside to satisfy while staying in the relationship. Or that it is possible to have multiple relationships concurrently so as to ensure that all are satisfied and whole. The most important aspect is openness of desires and honesty with all parties.

Now this is not just about sex. We do have very deep intimate non sexual relationships with others that satisfy us and within a relationship we allow that and all is fine. The challenge is when we move it up to include all aspects of human behaviour including sex. That’s when it’s challenging for a lot of people as it’s fine to do somethings just not All Things, especially sex. But why not?

As seen before if we’re not satisfied there will be conflict within the relationship or within oneself.In what I’m saying here I admit that I’m making a generalisation and yes there are exceptions to what I’m saying but the vast majority of cases are closer to what I’m suggesting than to the Western Ideal that everyone aspires to.

In all of human history we haven’t been monogamous and we will go there anyway one day or be miserable, inside or outside of the relationship, why not face up to the certainty and happily allow our partner to satisfy that aspect of their humanity that is unfulfilled? Because it threatens us, that’s called jealousy, that’s why!

Ok, I accept that a lot of people can’t or won’t be able to do a Polyamourous relationship but to my way of thinking most of us are already doing it with other important aspects of our human relationships, we just have this sex, guilt, ownership control thing with our partners that has been perpetrated by church and state as a way of keeping us in some sort of control for reasons I don’t understand.

It’s all right if you disagree with me. You may be totally besotted by your partner and they with you and you see no need to entertain what I’m suggesting here. However if…?

Do you care for your partner so much that if they needed to have a relationship…A relationship to round them out as a person….Do they adore you and share with you and are you secure enough in yourself and your relationship to allow them to go and have the experience…Could you be happy for them knowing that they will always want you?

Or does that threaten you?

I so get this stuff! Once I found it had a name and I thought about my life and the way I’d interacted with people I realised that I have always been doing a variation on this. I’ve always been comfortable with the thought of my partner having relationships if that is important to her. That is why I always say I never do jealousy it just never threatens me if she wants to go and play.

The way I’ve been doing Poly has been more within monogamy and platonic(love without letting it move to sex, but if things were different??).

More to the point I love many people in my life, if they are male it is platonic, if they are female it’s platonic if either of us are in a relationship and that relationship isn’t poly. However if we are both single or poly then it’s on and with some of the wonderful women in my world I’m inclined to be sexual with them.

But this is where I like the difference between Polyamory and swinging as this isn’t just recreational sex this is about building real relationships based around affection, respect, honesty and love.

I see that as more honest to both my partner and myself. And the little bit that I’ve experienced I’ve found that the sex is outstanding as so many of the conditional attachments and assumptions of a monogamous relationship aren’t there so the loving is more genuine as we understand that we are whole people with others in our life and that if we genuinely love each other we will stay connected and if we don’t we will move on so we cherish the moments we have.

If you wish to understand more about true relationships the challenges and the joys as well as the concept of Polyamore listen to a great podcast at Polyamory Weekly.

To reiterate. This is not about sex but about loving human relationships that we all have all the time. It’s about open honest human communication with the people we care about. It’s about allowing and being allowed to live the true life that fullfills us and to share that life with the people that mean the most to us.

The difference is that it doesn’t exclude sex, that’s all!