Alan Watts on nothingness by dreaming in the void blog

I think that this sits very nicely with what I’ve mentioned previously about Illusions by Richard Bach

Back in a previous post I mentioned that I wanted to try something, to see how it might go,  just for the hell of it.  To just opt out somewhat from the expectations of society.  I called it a society fast, to not buy into the things that society says that you have to do.

Well that week back in March of last year went okay and my world didn’t end. I still did what needed to be done when things needed to be done and I was able to do whatever I wanted to do as I felt inspired.  So I kept doing it, the society fast.  Doing what I wanted to do as I wanted to do it.

Hanging with Friends in Buenos Aires

And guess what?  I haven’t stopped.  I haven’t found the need or desire to buy back into what society says that I’m supposed to do.  What am I talking about I hear you say?

I’m taking about how our Western Society says that we have to do certain things, like relationships, work,  income, career, worry and stress about tomorrow and how it’s going to be when I’m old and I don’t have enough money in my retirement fund, how at my time of life I should be in this certain type of lifestyle, all of that sort of thing.

That’s why I started the society fast to have a break for just one week away from that and see what would happen and I haven’t stopped.  That was 16 months ago and it has been some of the best times of my life because I’m living in the moment and just doing what is right for now and it keeps working.

Now before you think I have it easy, that’s not my point.  In the last 16 months I have worked for income in an employed situation for only 6 weeks and earned $12,000.  I’ve additionally done a little audio and video recording and editing work and earned another couple of thousand dollars but that is all.  I have been leaning on my credit card and I’m slowly going backwards at about $1000/mth but I’m fine with that.  I live a very lean life and I have everything I need and desire little more.

For a long time I was looking for something to put my attention to, some strong focus and direction that society says that you have to have to be a member of this society.  That was causing me grief and one of the reason for starting this society fast, to have some chill time away from that stress.

The thing(and this is important) is that I couldn’t find that career focus even once I started the society fast.  So my focus was just on living in the moment and doing what was appropriate each day.  I continued to look for something, learn and live, moment by moment and my life still didn’t break.  In actual fact it kept getting better.  I still went to Buenos Aires in July for four weeks and the work I did do on the film last year was better and more rewarding than I expected and reinforced that this was still the correct path.  I continued to produce Your Story and I continued to look for a way to generate some income from something that impassioned me.  And while nothing appeared instead of becoming frustrated and running all over the place with angst in my heart, like I used to, I just chilled and did what seemed appropriate in the moment… and all was good.

I can do anything I want at any time I want because I’m free to choose my daily activities and follow my passions.  Sure more money would give me additional options like travel which I desire but for the moment my priorities are finding direction and I need time for that and employment would rob that most valuable commodity from me.

Relaxed and chilled, doing what I liked for months, living lean, dancing tango and learning from those around me and always aware that when the time is right the inspiration will appear, I just wasn’t mature enough in something yet for me to see it.  And then it appeared…

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear”

I discovered it(yes discovered), I didn’t dream it up, it was waiting out there all along for me to mature in something and become ready to see what was always there.  I discovered Create Your Life Story as a way of taking what I care about(other peoples stories), blending it with what I’ve learned producing Your Story, adding a pinch of my learning’s of internet business courtesy of Internet Business Mastery and ProBlogger, then wrapping it all up into what I desire to have as a lifestyle that resonates with me.  Sixteen months later, I’m still here living the dream of fasting from the expectations of society and it’s still working.

Sure I realise that I have no money and it is too easy if I allow it, to start to worry about how I’ll pay for even the necessities in a months time. So I don’t think about it until I can do something about it and I always think of something when the time is right, in the mean time I do what is right for now.  Now it felt right to write this post and get these thoughts down, a little later this afternoon I’ll probably do some more study and learning or maybe write a post on Create your Life Story or edit some video or maybe send that invoice that I should send off, I don’t know but it’s(this lifestyle) working.

How do I know that it’s working?

I’m happy!  That’s all.

Is there any other measure of how well a life is working?  I don’t expect happiness from external effects, happiness resides in me and I know that by living this lifestyle it suits me.  I have the time and energy to explore the ideas that I think are important for my life(not yours dear reader), I can only say that for me.  I would love Create Your Life Story and Your Story to become successful, earn a good income for a few dreams that I would like to create and travel a lot.  I’m moving to create that reality but one thing I do know is,  I can’t create it if I buy into societal expectations.  It sucks the very life essence out of me and I would not be happy over there again as a wage slave, I would not ever be successful either.  I may or not be successful here but I know that I will be happy and if I’m only happy, “I Win”

First Birthday

50 years, 18,250 days, the same number of mornings and evenings the same number of nights asleep bar a dozen or so all-nighters. 5o years of experiences good and tough.

Yes, I would say tough but I wouldn’t say bad, although there have been some challanging times. Like when I was out of sync in my last year at school because I couldn’t do my precious wood work. That was the time to leave, just before and fortunatly as I got my apprenticeship. Or the frustration of dealing with the end of my marriage and the subsequent crash and burn that came from that. These times were tough but I wouldn’t say bad, not real bad, like some people have, some people don’t have tough lives, they have real bad lives. My life has been just challenging, requiring me to, well, suck it up and get on with it. And sometimes I’ve had the help of some wonderful people to help me through. To all of you… thanks.

So far it’s been a good life anyway I look at it. I have very good health both mental and physical and I’ve managed to do some interesting, even wonderful things. The highlights would have to be doing my apprenticeship, skydiving, building a house, my marriage to Gail,  my daughter Sabina, the many wonderful relationships that I have had, the skills that I’ve gained, working on the Matrix 2&3 films, my podcast and associated travels and learnings and in recent years, the joy of tango.

If you asked me to reflect on the tough times, I’m genuinelly, mentally challenged to remember. I can remember the events but there is no emotion connected to them. I don’t feel as distressed from them that I felt at the time. It must just be my psychology but I seem to remember the good, with a joy that is hard to express and the bad times seem to fade away like a dream in the morning.

My gorgeous Mum and I

It’s strange to reflect on the last 50 years not because it’s the half way mark, I think that is behind me, I may but it’s not likely I’ll make it to 100. The reason for the reflection is because of something I heard 15 years ago. A man in his 80′s said to a friend that he can look in the mirror and the face he sees looking back, looks old and he wonders who’s face it is, as if in astonishment, that this is not his face, as it’s not as he feels inside. Inside he still feels like the 18 year old.

This is what I find interesting. I don’t exactly feel 18 but maybe more like 30 or 35? I’ve seen grown men in their 40′s behave like 14 year old boys because a woman comes into the workshop and they don’t know how to deal with girls. I’ve seen 50 year old women throw a tantrum like an 8 year old brat. Occasionally I’ve meet a child that says something profound and in shock I realise that they have a wisdom far beyond their years (my daughter has done this on occasions). I know that maturity doesn’t come with age.

To be forty when I was a child was old and fifty was… well near incomprehensible. So here I am at the end of my 50th year, marking it with my birthday and I feel more like a child looking on in disbelief, than the 50 year old that I know I am. Sure I have over the years bought into what I should be like by 30, 40, 50 and what I should have to show for it by now but when I’m true to myself and really happy and content  I have a laisse faire attitude to the things that society says are important. Money and the ego based trappings are examples. I have generally a playful attitude towards most things I do. Like the kid that I was, knocking together an old push mower and pram wheels in the back yard to build a billy cart, I’m still bashing my life together, seeing what may come of it. I have a general idea sometimes where I may be going, but it’s only a vague direction, somewhere over there, as I wave my arm aimlessly towards the horizon. I don’t really have any idea what I’m doing or where I will be going. Every time I have attempted to be definite, it’s evolved in ways I would never have imagined and turned out in ways that have surprised me. So now I’m just going in that vague direction, one step at a time and I’ll see what happens and where it may take me.

One of the great things that have come about in recent years and something that I couldn’t do when I was younger and hyperactive, is now I’m happy not to do anything. Well more to the point I’m happy to do no-thing. Occasionally and it seems to be happening more often these days, is that as I worry less and embrace my natural playfull attitude, I have times when for the moment all the i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed there is simply nothing to do. When that happens I’ve learned to do just that, in contradiction to what society says we should do, I simply do nothing… no-thing. Just sit and be present. It’s really quite beautiful and sublime.

So as I sit here reflecting on all those fifty years and it seems hard to imagine that there have been that many, I can honestly say that I have no regrets, not one! Sure with hindsight I might change a few things here and there. Maybe get out of a few embarrassing situations,(like that Harry Hi-pants photo at my sisters 21st) and not say the occasional inappropriate statement but all in all I have never intentionally harmed anyone. Any harm I have done was done with innocence as I have always attempted to mitigate any difficulties by thinking and acting with care before saying things that can harm. When harm is accidentally done I have always attempted to ameliorate the situation. This is my way of taking my responsibility, for the situations with others that I have found myself in during these past 50 years. I find I have less of such issues today simple because I pay more attention on what I’m doing before I act, to consider all aspects of the event than I would have in the past. These days I have less repair to do. I ask no forgiveness, nor offer any to anyone else, as we all do the best, that we could at the time, with what we had.

3 years old at Scarborough

Some people have their lives plotted and planned. They know where they are going, each step of the way. As I look forward I realise that I have no idea where I’m going, just the general direction, pointing into the distance and hand waving again but that’s good. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning and something to start the day with but as so often happens, events evolve from what I couldn’t have expected. If you had have asked me to consider at 30 where I would be today I would never have guessed Here, so how would I be able to predict where I will be in 10, 20 or 30 years. All I know is that at the end, I’ll be dead and what I do from now till then is my life. What I do with it is my choice. There is no right or wrong and no one else really cares but I, so I’ll just keep doing it, this thing called my life and see where the journey takes me.

Life is a Game

A Game to be Played

You can Never Lose

You can only Win

As long as You Play

Does this mean that if I am fearful or anxious I’m identifying with the event with my ego? I think so.

I’ve always said that I have “Beginners Luck”. The number of times that I’ve done something for the first time and done it initially with ease is staggering. I remember when I started skydiving at 17 years of age. I went to the drop zone the first weekend and did my training and the following weekend I went to do my first jumps. That weekend I did four static line jumps, each and every one was copy book perfect. Everyone praised me, paying complements as to my natural abilities. Then the following week end I returned to continue and failed monumentally, moving onto free fall and tumbling out of control eventually returning to static line descendants and doing 13 instead of the usual five until I eventually moved onto free-fall again. It was even recommended that I should give it away. Ultimately I amassed 2000 skydives and became an instructor at 19. By then I was humbled by by initiation into the sport.

For a short time when I was about 30 I had a sales job using a style of sales similar to encyclopaedia selling where I had to present to people in their homes from a script and eventually close the deal. After the initial training I went out on my first day to present, not expecting any results as I was such a raw recruit and managed to sell four out of five presentations blowing everyones expectations, including mine, out of the water. The following six weeks were harrowing as I slowly started to stress and didn’t sell one programme until eventually I decided to give it away and on my last presentation I sold two unexpectedly to the client and her friend who just happened to be sitting in. I’m sure I sold on the last day because I no longer had an attachment to the outcome, the stress of achieving was removed and my ego was now out of the picture.

This has happened in all the fields that I have ventured into where the first time I do something, I do well as I have no expectations, my ego is subdued as I’m only starting and I don’t expect any results. Because I’m completely with the experience and not at all in my ego I allow anything to happen and it resolves in ways far better than I would have expected. It’s even happened with the first time I played lotto and won $35 because there is no chance to win on my first attempt and I’ve never won anything since.

The problem is that once I have the initial success, I then buy into others and my own expectations based on the past experience and extrapolate it out into the future, then naturally expect the evolvement of the good fortune into something grand. Then when it doesn’t materialise I become demoralised, think of it as a failure and it all falls apart. If I do keep at it in the long term and persevere through the negative period as I did with skydiving and my trade skill I notice that I eventually return to the level of success that I originally had but now I’ve been humbled by the experience of doing so poorly during the intervening period. I then don’t think of what I do as being anything special but think of it as something that anyone can do, as is really the case. If I can do something anyone can and often times anyone has, so why should I think that I’m anything special. This is what I find so interesting.

I seem to be blessed with some innate natural talents which enable me to do well initially but if I allow my ego to rise up even at the most basic level I come unstuck then my ego feels blighted by the failure and stress develops and a downward cycle begins. What if I don’t allow my ego into the picture? What if I simply say “this person which is me is doing this thing and it will be as it will be”? If the goal of the day is achieved or not is irrelevant. It’s only important to do the task as seems appropriate with no judgement of whether it is good or bad, which is a judgement in itself. Just let it be and not to identify with the event in anyway as being something personal.

That’s the take home, “not to identify with the event in anyway as being something personal” which has to exclude any form of ego.